Away with the sodding presenter

So we’re back in ‘Chrimbo limbo’ – that odd zero-zone between Christmas and New Year where the schedules are still slightly messed up and nobody’s sure whether they’re supposed to be acting normally or not. Add to that the fact that over the festive period I’ve been quite unwell – cold, damp weather has made it incredibly difficult to feast, or even eat at normal levels – and you have a rather stuffy recipe for a gap that nobody’s sure needs to be filled. But I’ve decided to have a go anyway, and four months on from my last one of these – https://originalpurple.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/slattern-on-t-internet/ – you’ll be less than pleased to hear I’ve done another of these ‘odd search requests’ posts. It’s just here to fill a berth until I’m fit and well enough, even by my standards, to fart off another of my big screechy ones. The quiz thing I pledged earlier probably won’t happen, but as I’d like to start talking about music again a best-tunes-of-2012 thing will happen in the  birthing-days of 2013. So, on with the whimsy: as before, posts are largely in alphabetical order, and all punctuation and spelling in search terms (in italics) is as per the original search entry. Begin…

celebre prn pink flex bodge
– Well here’s a cautionary tale: if you flex your pink bits to too much famous-people filth, which is what I assume you’re after, you become so cack-wristed you bodge a simple, if smutty, web search…

childrens cartoon character rastamouse pyjamas matalan
– Quite possibly there are, though I wouldn’t know myself: I’m far too old to squeeze myself into the t’ings, and I don’t tend to hang around in the tots’ section of value clothing stores, for fear of being tarred with the Savile brush. Easy now.

“don’t tell the bride” simon and kayleigh divorce
– That’s a shame if it’s true: but I guess that’s what happens to your relationship when you resort to getting married on digital telly. I think I spotted their episode filed in the Really listings a little while back, as it goes, but I rarely watch that channel, unless I happen to be in the vicinity of nothing better to look in on…

frankie cocozza dad eltham
– I’d probably better avoid old Eltham, then, in case the scratty-haired X Factor departee and purveyor of motorbike-hued pop’s hanging around the area with his old man. Driver, on to Woolwich, posthaste!

katie piper not doing column anymore
– Not in Reveal, as she once was, but she has since started a similar weekly printed junket in IPC’s ‘Now’, should you deign to avail yourself of that. As the mag equivalent of Really, however, it’s not really the sort of thing I should be reading.

kerry pester glamour model
– Is that her name, or an instruction? After all, if I was to pester a glamour model, even in order to glean information for one of my accidental readers, all I’d likely get for my trouble is a restraining order! Though maybe I could nag the girl into choosing a more rewarding, in the long term, career, not that it’s my place to do so…

osbos kids scooters
– That’d be Ozbozz, then; one presumes Santa was checking a misspelled list. Though in fairness, the first time I saw a TV ad for these, I thought they’d said ‘Osbournes scooters’ until the name came up. Dunno if vehicles would be a wise brand extension given Ozzy’s history with quadbikes, mind. Not that you’ll find me flogging kiddies’ ride-ons, of course, unless I wangle a return to my retail assistant roots…

paul grimshawyou don’t need money, don’t take fame, don’t need no credit card to ride this train. it’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes, but it might just save your life.
– And that’s the power of Google. This old record sets a new record for my longest-ever search string. No idea, though, whether this Paul Grimshaw fella would be more accommodating of an 80s hit than his breakfast-broadcasting namesake Nick, for whom even Robbie Williams is apparently too old…

ribit boobies
– Is this a line from some sort of late-night adult spinoff from the Frog Chorus, like a scaly Babestation, or something? Or some sort of lab experiment where toads are given the sex drive of human males and the ability to surf the web? Either way, no assets (of any kind) here, my reptilian chum!

16year old amanda runs away with boyfriend on dr phil
– To be fair, at least this case was on American telly. If the show had been made in Britain a few years ago, the lovesick teen would most probably have run away with the sodding presenter…

twitter waterstones bluewater “disciplinary”
– Fair enough – if you’re going to sit around tweeting when you’re supposed to be up at the counter selling people books, you should readily take your punishment like a man – and hey, if this dismissal means a retail post’s open, I’d better mail a CV over…

http://www.citv.co.uk brilliant creatures do it yourself
– Sigh. For the second time in as many search-based posts, I don’t have the BC factsheets that your inquisitive, animal-loving kids need. For the beast-info from Stephen and Gail (or whoever the presenters are now), it’s itv.com/citv that you need. As the above searches suggest, there’s very little on this blog which would be friendly to a CITV audience…

yvette fieldings departure from blue peter was abrupt
– Not as abrupt as Richard Bacon’s was, though, you would have to admit. Or, indeed, Blue Peter’s more recent exit from BBC One, come to that…

So there you go. Sex, shopping, kids’ TV, glamour models and old music. If that doesn’t get me thinking of ways to improve the quality of my nonsense in the new year, nothing will. Thanks for struggling through my web-snuff in 2012, and I’ll see you in short order, should I survive this latest sickness. Cairo!