So we’re back in ‘Chrimbo limbo’ – that odd zero-zone between Christmas and New Year where the schedules are still slightly messed up and nobody’s sure whether they’re supposed to be acting normally or not. Add to that the fact that over the festive period I’ve been quite unwell – cold, damp weather has made it incredibly difficult to feast, or even eat at normal levels – and you have a rather stuffy recipe for a gap that nobody’s sure needs to be filled. But I’ve decided to have a go anyway, and four months on from my last one of these – https://originalpurple.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/slattern-on-t-internet/ – you’ll be less than pleased to hear I’ve done another of these ‘odd search requests’ posts. It’s just here to fill a berth until I’m fit and well enough, even by my standards, to fart off another of my big screechy ones. The quiz thing I pledged earlier probably won’t happen, but as I’d like to start talking about music again a best-tunes-of-2012 thing will happen in the  birthing-days of 2013. So, on with the whimsy: as before, posts are largely in alphabetical order, and all punctuation and spelling in search terms (in italics) is as per the original search entry. Begin…

celebre prn pink flex bodge
– Well here’s a cautionary tale: if you flex your pink bits to too much famous-people filth, which is what I assume you’re after, you become so cack-wristed you bodge a simple, if smutty, web search…

childrens cartoon character rastamouse pyjamas matalan
– Quite possibly there are, though I wouldn’t know myself: I’m far too old to squeeze myself into the t’ings, and I don’t tend to hang around in the tots’ section of value clothing stores, for fear of being tarred with the Savile brush. Easy now.

“don’t tell the bride” simon and kayleigh divorce
– That’s a shame if it’s true: but I guess that’s what happens to your relationship when you resort to getting married on digital telly. I think I spotted their episode filed in the Really listings a little while back, as it goes, but I rarely watch that channel, unless I happen to be in the vicinity of nothing better to look in on…

frankie cocozza dad eltham
– I’d probably better avoid old Eltham, then, in case the scratty-haired X Factor departee and purveyor of motorbike-hued pop’s hanging around the area with his old man. Driver, on to Woolwich, posthaste!

katie piper not doing column anymore
– Not in Reveal, as she once was, but she has since started a similar weekly printed junket in IPC’s ‘Now’, should you deign to avail yourself of that. As the mag equivalent of Really, however, it’s not really the sort of thing I should be reading.

kerry pester glamour model
– Is that her name, or an instruction? After all, if I was to pester a glamour model, even in order to glean information for one of my accidental readers, all I’d likely get for my trouble is a restraining order! Though maybe I could nag the girl into choosing a more rewarding, in the long term, career, not that it’s my place to do so…

osbos kids scooters
– That’d be Ozbozz, then; one presumes Santa was checking a misspelled list. Though in fairness, the first time I saw a TV ad for these, I thought they’d said ‘Osbournes scooters’ until the name came up. Dunno if vehicles would be a wise brand extension given Ozzy’s history with quadbikes, mind. Not that you’ll find me flogging kiddies’ ride-ons, of course, unless I wangle a return to my retail assistant roots…

paul grimshawyou don’t need money, don’t take fame, don’t need no credit card to ride this train. it’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes, but it might just save your life.
– And that’s the power of Google. This old record sets a new record for my longest-ever search string. No idea, though, whether this Paul Grimshaw fella would be more accommodating of an 80s hit than his breakfast-broadcasting namesake Nick, for whom even Robbie Williams is apparently too old…

ribit boobies
– Is this a line from some sort of late-night adult spinoff from the Frog Chorus, like a scaly Babestation, or something? Or some sort of lab experiment where toads are given the sex drive of human males and the ability to surf the web? Either way, no assets (of any kind) here, my reptilian chum!

16year old amanda runs away with boyfriend on dr phil
– To be fair, at least this case was on American telly. If the show had been made in Britain a few years ago, the lovesick teen would most probably have run away with the sodding presenter…

twitter waterstones bluewater “disciplinary”
– Fair enough – if you’re going to sit around tweeting when you’re supposed to be up at the counter selling people books, you should readily take your punishment like a man – and hey, if this dismissal means a retail post’s open, I’d better mail a CV over…

http://www.citv.co.uk brilliant creatures do it yourself
– Sigh. For the second time in as many search-based posts, I don’t have the BC factsheets that your inquisitive, animal-loving kids need. For the beast-info from Stephen and Gail (or whoever the presenters are now), it’s itv.com/citv that you need. As the above searches suggest, there’s very little on this blog which would be friendly to a CITV audience…

yvette fieldings departure from blue peter was abrupt
– Not as abrupt as Richard Bacon’s was, though, you would have to admit. Or, indeed, Blue Peter’s more recent exit from BBC One, come to that…

So there you go. Sex, shopping, kids’ TV, glamour models and old music. If that doesn’t get me thinking of ways to improve the quality of my nonsense in the new year, nothing will. Thanks for struggling through my web-snuff in 2012, and I’ll see you in short order, should I survive this latest sickness. Cairo!

Boffo! As you’ll be aware, it can take me weeks or even months to belch out a proper piece of content for this blog, with the summer oddly often slowing my already-weak hitrate, not due to my non-existent holidays but instead usually due to various additional pressures which I will usually document in my comeback piece. However, I have been keeping an eye on possible little bits of fluff that I can wedge in to stop this place becoming too cobwebby and perhaps break up the sea of tirades with a few shorter, sillier journeys into other, non-moany derivatives. It’d certainly provide a more rounded content mix, and perhaps give a better inclination for folks to actually stop by and read my stuff.

So, in an attempt to find something quick and diverting to file up here, I’ve been ploughing through the stats looking at what compels people to actually visit this thing. It does appear that most of my referrals do come from Twitter, where I often post up links when something new goes here. (Yes, I could turn on Publicize, but I prefer to do hand-typed bleats gibbering about the page content). Around 190 or so of my visits so far have come either from links or my Twitter profile, though at least a dozen of those are me visiting the site myself to check that the link’s working OK! However, very occasionally someone stumbles on this purple patch by way of a search engine – and I do mean ‘occasionally’, at time of writing only 35 people have headed here from Bing, Google and the like in my year-and-a-half on WordPress – but, thanks to my wildly verbose posts, some of those coming here do so from the most unusual strings which have little or nothing to do with what I’ve actually written. So, in a style often used by bloggers looking to fill a slot cheaply (yes, it’s the blogging equivalent of You’ve Been Framed), here’s a selection of strings which have somehow landed poor misguided surfers onto my trashpile, given in the form and spelling of the original user (all typos are the searchers’ own), arranged in mostly alphabetical order (except with some similar searches grouped together), and some needless and not-always-funny commentary trowelled in between by me. Inert!

amy williams fhm
Well, I’d rather they have her in the magazine than the likes of Tulisa. Trouble is, most man-mag journos are presumably so thick they think Skeleton Bob is a new cartoon character, so there’s little chance of the lovely Amy swapping the ice for a needless, tacky photoshoot just now…

big chart
I’ve done the occasional one, though any corollation between my countdowns and other big charts – the Vodafone Big Top 40 swims to mind – is presumably coincidental, not to mention unlikely, given my taste for tunes that would give Global Radio’s beancounters a coronary…

boobies on my face
Better than having a face on your boobies, to be fair – now that would be (comparitively more) scary. Incidentally, if your boobies actually are on your face, you’ve taken the surgical uplifting a little too far – a Skype-call to the Embarrassing Bodies clinic may be your only salvation from here on in…

“broken her leg”
No I didn’t. Well, not deliberately, at any rate…

catherine tate
Who, dear, me, dear, gay, dear? No, dear! How very dare you! Does my face look bothered, though?

courtesy of kirstie-2ndchanceatlife.blogspot.com
Nothing on this blog, as far as can be ascertained, is brought to you with the aid of the lovely Kirstie Tancock – it’s all my original (hence the site name) writing. Besides, wonderful Kirstie would be horrified if I was pinching passages from her much-beloved blog to burp out on these mauve pages!

dttb bridal shop bexleyheath
Dunno if they made an episode down here, being a non-viewer of the BBC Three hit, but as there’s not exactly a surfeit of wedding-based retailers in town I can probably narrow down the store you want. As a single and unloved man, however, I’m not going to go in there myself, though, unless there’s a chance of a job (as till-jockey, or racking up gowns) in the offing!

e4 music and then some
Noap. For those who were tangling their taglines, 4Music is “music and then some”. E4 Music (RIP) was “chucking spunky tunes into your tellybox”. That phrase alone (or part of it, at very least) should haul me in a few more unwanted Google hits…

“e4 school of performing arts”
I’m mildly surprised this search found me, given I’ve barely mentioned this largely-forgotten talent-club show from the purple network; and yet I’ve had no-one looking specifically for the far more frequently-featured “Katie: My Beautiful Friends”. Another victory for the fame-hungry, then, though I have had a few (sometimes unpleasant) Katie-related searches, as we’ll see later…

“for the record, i do have genitals” ringtone
And another fan of Big Bang Theory quotes pokes their head above the parapet. Bazinga! But sorry, I don’t do ringtones or MP3s on my site just yet, having only just about mustered getting text-based posts up – but hey, maybe I should start proffering downloads, should I be able to secure some to sell, I do need an income source…

imogen thomas
Not on this site, if I can avoid it, unless an opportunity to snootily slam the opportunistic Welsh wagger presents itself, which shamefully it often does, thanks to the Big Brother bird’s propensity for pitching up at the opening of anything suitable, such is the way these days. I would say I’d rather people came here searching for Katie Piper stuff, but then I saw the next few searches…

katie piper babestation
Oof, not quite – prior to her acidic interface she mainly did titchy shopping and gaming channels, and wasn’t, as far as I know, reduced to shaking her barely-clad tushie for some sweaty fella down a televised phoneline. Whether this is good or bad news for the searcher, I can’t say, but I think I could take an educated (more educated than the typical Babes’ viewer, anyway) guess…

babestation daytime katie piper
See above, but with marginally more clothes on, lest our lass incur the wrath of Ofcom, and earlier in the day, apparently as some people want an alternative to Homes Under the Hammer…

katie piper claire lomas
I’ve mentioned Katie more frequently, in all honesty, but we shouldn’t forget to support wonderful Claire, who’s been making, if it’s not offensive to say so, great strides since her tragic injury. Not sure if the searcher was looking to me to do some Top Trumps-style lady-comparison, mind, or something more sinister…

katie piper fhm
Well, yes, apparently (according to her book Beautiful, anyway) our beloved Katie did indeed, back in her working-as-a-model era, pose for the now-declining For Him Magazine, though I’m not prepared to dig out the spade and trace exactly when. And as I say, I don’t read magazines much now anyway. But I would still prefer to see Katie glittering away on the front of a mag than, say, Imogen Thomas, if I’m honest…

katie piper show starts spat about beauti
Not a spat as such, more a healthy debate – Katie’s certainly encouraging people to look again at what real beauty means, which is a tonic we need all the more in this current vajazzle-addled world…

katie piper slut
Now shut your mouth! Katie’s lovely. If you hadn’t gathered that from the glowing tones in which she’s usually mentioned on this site, then are you actually reading my guff at all? And regardless, if you want to find an actual slattern on t’internet, my blog’s probably the last place you want to click…

why katie pipers eye surgery is unethical
At last, someone with a genuine question! And, you’ll be pleased to hear, the last of the Piper requests. Katie’s surgery wasn’t, in itself, morally awkward as the stem cells used for her surgery came from an adult donor, though there is some debate over the use of embryos in the wider sector. Unfunny, but true. Much like much of this blog, then…

licenced premises pelton fell 80s 90s
Well, I’m not sure I’ve ever been to Pelton Fell, wherever that is (oop north, I’d presume), and as I didn’t turn 18 until 2000 I won’t have spent much of the 80s or 90s on licenced premises, but if you did then, well, I hope you had a fun night…

millets in trouble
I’m not willing to sound racist, but this is a problem we can blame on Blacks, or the collapse thereof, given the two tent-retailers are sister chains: those chav-dressing sorts at JD have, however, stepped in to sort out a rescue package… (Bexleyheath’s Millets is, much like the bridal shop, still open, if you’re keeping score.)

on loose woman denise welch made reference to someone who wasnt nice to her but was now being charged with child cruilty or abuse who was she talking about
The longest single string to land here so far. But I’ve no idea whose ‘cruilty’, other than her own, Welch was talking about, though – I refuse to watch Loose unless Katie Piper is on it, which she occasionally is, and I’ve usually got other stuff to worry about at lunchtime anyway. Lunch, mainly…

originalpurple
And here’s the one true hero: type the name of what you’re looking for into the search engine, and it obliges. Though quite what this user thought of the content once they’d arrived at the site armed with solely its name, I wouldn’t like to wager…

return of the mac original
As those of us who were still buying CD singles in the 90s remember, it was by Leicester’s own Mark Morrison. All this pain you said I’d never feel? Well I do, well I do do do…

russel brand
Here’s one to ponder: someone found the granddaughter-lover here despite spelling his name wrong. On this occasion I had in fact got it right, though I did once refer to a famous duo as ‘Moreecambe and Wise’ – so I’m pressing the right letters, but not necessarily in the right order…

silpa charty indian film actors nude photo download
Not here – after all the fuss I make about objectifying women, it’s odd you think I’d offer nude downloads, even of Indian film actors, a subject I’m not exactly an expert on to begin with. And I doubt, after the Big Brother fuss, Shilpa would willingly go nude, even if former Big Mouth host ‘Russel’ Brand egged her on to do so for charity…

steff white danis house naked
I’ll steer clear of saying something chauvinistic like “I wish” at this point, and instead restate the above: I don’t have nuddy celebs on this blog. Which in hindsight is a shame, as the odd picture about the place would probably pretty-up this page a lot more than another thousand of my pitiful words, and like the ringtones could well get me some money on the side…

“tripoli bay” “triple ebay”
I do like a good visual joke, and this one from, if I remember correctly, 10 O’Clock Live, was a classic. Wish I could write ’em like that, rather than like this!

what evidence you require to convict a trial for a posho mill producing smoke, noise n dust
You don’t need to go to trial just yet – have a quick word with the local council; once they navigate the maze of red tape and environmental health step in, bang goes the posho mill – and presumably, so does the bread supply to Waitrose…

http://www.citv.co.uk brilliant creatures the page that show you how to make things to the animals yourself
Does it not occur to you to check CITV’s website – itv.com/citv now, it’s moved – rather than expect me to be hoarding factsheets? Anyway, I’m old enough to remember the Really Wild Show, from the era of the BBC (Before Brilliant Creatures!) Still, someone was clearly looking for summer fun: and it’s always good to encourage creativity, so go ahead kid, make lots of lovely things to all the wonderful animals you can…

teletextholidays.co.uk/freeview101/competition
http://www.teletextholidays.co.uk/freeview101
http://www.teletextholidays.freeview101.co.uk
So if you’re not searching my blog for nudey celebs, you’re looking to score a cheap holiday? Bit dispiriting, but then given what the majority of people seem to think the internet is for, not entirely surprising. But surely, if you’re actually searching for teletextholidays.co.uk, that site would appear above mine in the results? I’d hope so, unless your search engine’s one of those cheap knockoffs…

xxxporntube older swordfight wankers
I don’t like fighting generally, and I really don’t want to see this, given the unpleasant image I now have dancing in my head, of elderly blokes drawing their weapons, as it were… And since when was I affiliated with the presumably-mucky P’tube? Might bring me in a few new readers, mind, albeit not the kind I’d necessarily welcome… oh, who am I kidding, any new readers would be good!

zebedy rays
Great band, but they’re clearly not getting enough coverage online if my blog is one of the first things you land on when all you type is their name! Street team, you’ve failed!

So there you go: an insight into the mind of a few dozen of your fellow OriginalPurple readers. If you didn’t feel dirty reading my guff before, you surely will now. But hey, thanks Hanks for stopping by and sneering at my stopgap, anyway. Normal subnormal service will be resumed just as soon as I’ve something to write…